guilty working mommy

I feel sad...and guilty. I know I wanted to not post anything negative this month, but I can’t help it. I had to share this so that I could let it out of my system. So, here goes...

Last night, while she was sitting beside her daddy on the sofa watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Caila said completely out of the blue “Wawa Caila. Alis Mommy. Alis Daddy. Work office. Iyak Caila.” Loosely translated, she meant she was “kawawa” because every morning, her mommy and daddy have to leave her at home (usually she’s still asleep) to go to work, and she can’t do anything about it so all she can do is just cry when she wakes up alone in bed.

Hubby was dumbfounded! Who wouldn’t be? You don’t expect your daughter who just recently turned two years old to say something like that, especially while watching a kid-friendly show on television. Fortunately, hubby was able to get over his shock quickly and calmly explained to her that Mommy and Daddy have to go to work so that we could buy all the things she needs and wants, etc. When he asked her if she understood, Caila just nodded and answered “opo,” and then began playing with her toys and watching Mickey and his friends.

I only came to know about what happened a few minutes later (I was fixing something in our room when this happened) when I joined them on the sofa, and when hubby told me about it, I felt my heart ache and tears immediately sprang from my eyes. I felt so guilty! Sobra talaga akong naawa sa anak ko. I didn’t know what to do or say; I just knelt in front of my daughter, hugged her really tight and tried to assure her that what Daddy and I were doing was for her because we love her so much, and whenever we’re free, we try to spend as much time as we can with her. All the while, Caila was just looking at me blankly while the tears kept flowing down my cheeks...and I couldn’t stop so I had to go to the bathroom to cry my eyes out.

It hurts me a lot that our daughter was unhappy and that she pities herself with our situation...but what can we do? What hubby and I are earning now is just enough for our expenses and to keep some money aside for the future. If I became a stay-at-home-mother, hubby’s salary alone wouldn’t be sufficient for us to continue staying in Dubai; it would be evident that Caila and I would have to go back to the Philippines...and that’s what we don’t want to happen. No matter how difficult, hubby and I agreed that we would try to keep our family together wherever we were in the world. Last year, we had to leave Caila with hubby’s family in the Philippines; that time was the longest and saddest 5 months we had, and we didn’t want any of us to go through that again.

Thank goodness, in spite of everything, she’s still very close and malambing to us. It’s common for kids to become more closer to their nannies rather than their own parents, but thankfully, Caila is not one of them. When we’re at home, she almost completely forgets about Ate Cel and it's us she calls to play with or if she wants someone to read to her or watch TV with. She still sleeps between me and hubby at night, and even when I scold her or don’t give in to what she wants and she’s bawling her eyes out, she still chooses to sit in my lap. When she’s hurt, I’m the first one she runs to. When hubby and/or I are in the kitchen preparing something, she likes to sit on the counter, watch what we’re doing and pretend she’s our assistant. Fortunately as well, even though she makulit and stubborn at times, she’s not naughty. She’s really a very good girl.

Haaaaayyy!!! I still can’t get over last night. Looking at the positive side, it means that our daughter is really intelligent to think about these kind of things. But then of course, what she realized is just plain sad and painful, and I can’t help but feel sorry for her. I know that my and hubby’s decision to both work is for our family’s own good, so that we can give our daughter the best in life, but...I don’t know...nakaka-guilty lang talaga eh.

Anak, pasensya ka na ha. Kailangan lang magtrabaho sina Mommy and Daddy para mabigyan ka namin ng magandang kinabukasan. All of us have to sacrifice a bit for our future...yes, even though it hurts. Mahal na mahal ka kasi namin kaya ginagawa namin ‘to. Please try to understand us, and never ever think or feel that you’re kawawa. We love you so much, baby...now, forever, and always...and please don’t ever forget that.