29 November 2011

november = death

What is it with the month of November that makes me associate it with death? Is it because October welcomes it with Halloween, and it starts off with All Saints Day and All Souls Day? Or maybe because Papa’s birthday falls on this month and I’m sad because he’s not here anymore so that we can celebrate it with him? Whatever it is, November is the most depressing month of the year for me. And it seems no matter how excited other people are preparing for Christmas and New Year, I still get this feeling of doom.

I’m not sick or dying or anything (at least, I hope not). But coincidence or not, two people I know passed away in the month of November. A year ago, hubby’s friend and former SFC member was killed in the Philippines, leaving behind his wife and son who was just turning 2 years old. And yesterday morning, another former SFC Dubai member passed away, ending her battle with cancer. She left behind by her husband and baby daughter who’s barely a year old. Speaking of cancer, during our recent vacation, I was told that one of my high school batchmates (and childhood friend from PNG) succumbed to cancer a few days before we arrived in the Philippines, leaving behind her husband and 2 children. Sad huh? What makes it more depressing is all of them were just about my age, and their kids were really, really young. I can’t imagine how their partners felt (and are still feeling) from the loss, faced with the responsibility of bringing up the kids alone, explaining why they can’t see daddy/mommy anymore, can't experience his/her hugs and kisses, or why Papa God took him/her away, etc.

Because of this, I can’t help but question my own mortality. What if I found out I had a terminal disease? I’m not worried whether Hubby will manage, because I’m sure he will. But it’s my daughter (and future children) I’m worried about. I don’t want to leave her while she’s still a kid. I want to see her grow up, go to school and graduate, confide in me her experiences with puberty, love and heartaches, become an adult, succeed in the career of her choice, get married, give me grandchildren, etc, etc. I want to fill her years with precious moments with Mommy. If I go now, her memories of me will be easily forgotten. Actually, this makes me remember the movie “My Life” starring Michael Keaton and Nicole Kidman. Keaton’s character is dying so he made a video of all sorts of advice and how to do stuff so that his unborn son (which, eventually, his wife gives birth to before he dies) would get to know him even when he’s gone. I guess I’ll do something like that if I found out that I only had a few more months to live. At least that way, I’ll still be able to be there when my daughter grows.

And since I’m thinking of things to do if that situation comes, here’s what I’ll most probably do to prepare for it:
• Pray really hard and go to confession
• Resign from my job
• Visit Disney World (or any Disneyland) with my family
• Have a living funeral party with all my close friends and loved ones (like the one in “Tuesdays with Morrie”)
• Spend as much time as possible with my family, and fill them with happy memories
• Take as many photos and videos as I can of me and my family
• Write letters or make videos of me with messages to each member of my family to be read/watched on special occasions (for hubby if he gets married again, for my children when they get married, etc)
In short, I guess that through everything I do, I’ll try to create as many happy memories as possible so that even when I’m gone, I'll still be with them and they won't forget me.

I’m sorry if this post is a bit morbid and depressing. I told you, November does that to me. Now, does this mean I’ll probably die in the month of November? Maybe, but still, only God knows. Until that day comes, I’ll just live each day to the fullest and spend as much time as I can with my loved ones.

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