pinas trip: pusong ina

I thought I could handle it, but as it turns out, my heart couldn't.  I thought that since it's going to be just one week, the days would pass quickly.  Obviously it's not as easy as I thought, otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about this here.  My first night and I'm an emotional wreck.  And Friday can't come fast enough for me.  The thing is, I'm currently in the Philippines...all alone.  Actually, not really "all alone" because I'm here at our family home with a couple of my cousins...but, well, it doesn't feel like home because the atmosphere is totally different.  For one thing, Mama isn't here (obviously, she's in Dubai) which is most probably the main reason why the house isn't homey.

I flew out of the Middle East early this morning, leaving Hubby and my daughters.  Why?  To attend the wedding of one of my former SFC members this Thursday.  I'll be going back the next day.  I can picture some (or most) of you thinking "What a stupid reason! To leave your family and stay in the Philippines for less than a week just to attend a wedding!"  Heck! I was thinking the same thing a few hours ago when I couldn't stop crying from missing my family.  Honestly, even while I was packing my suitcase yesterday afternoon, I was contemplating on cancelling the ticket.  I knew that I would miss them terribly, but Hubby did the exact same thing for the exact same reason last December so I thought I could do it too.  

As I'm typing this, I'm even considering to fly back early if there are flights available and just tell Gracie that something came up.  Yes, that's how homesick I am.  And it really hurts knowing that it's entirely my fault.

When Gracie told me about the wedding several months ago, I told her that I wanted to attend.  I've witnessed her going through so many problems and pain before when she was in Dubai that I wanted to be there on her special day.  After Hubby gave his go signal and my managers approved my leave, I immediately booked the ticket.  Since I'd be travelling alone, I was thinking "Yes! Magbubuhay-dalaga ako ng isang linggo!"  No kids to take care of, I could meet my old friends and colleagues and stay out as late as I wanted, shopping galore, plus this was a great opportunity for my much-deserved and overdue me time. Selfish, I know.

What I hadn't expected was that buhay-dalaga isn't as much fun as I thought it would be if all I can think of is   how much I miss my husband and daughters and how much I wish I were with them instead. Haaaaaay!  Ayan, naiiyak na naman ako.  Oo na, kasalanan ko.  'Wag nyo na ako i-judge.  Nahihirapan at nagsisisi na nga ako eh.  I'm not typing this because I want your judgement, nor do I want your sympathy.  I did this for myself just so that I could let the pain out.  And to make me remember how lonely and hurt this decision made me so that I won't make the same mistake again.

Si Guchi, nakaya nya.  Pero ako, hindi.  Iba pala ang puso ng babae.  Iba lang talaga ang pusong ina.